How to Bribe an American President Without Spending $400 Million
Forget flying palaces. You only need a dragon and a bugged soccer ball.
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President Trump says he knows "the best words." And by “best,” he means “words that didn’t exist until he said them with the total confidence of an Etch-A-Sketch with a traumatic brain injury. Words like, "covfefe,” “bigly,” and “yo-Semite.”
He even boasted that he brought back the word “groceries.” Which is great news, because apparently there was a period during the Biden administration when America gave up on food entirely.
But my favorite in his dementia comeback tour is his recent claim that he “invented the word equalize.” Invented it. Move over, Shakespeare, the Oxford English Dictionary, and 400 years of recorded human speech.
Next week, he will claim he coined the word “air” and slap a tariff on it.
But among all his linguistic masterpieces, there’s still one word that never crosses his oily lips:
Emolument.
It sounds like something Gwyneth Paltrow would sell in a jade suppository. And yet, it’s also the one word in the Constitution designed to prevent our commander-in-chief from accepting a golden elephant filled with rubies and uranium from some crown prince with blood on his hands.
The Emoluments Clause basically says: If you’re a U.S. official, you can’t accept gifts, payments, or favors from foreign governments without Congress saying it’s cool. Why? Because the Founders weren’t huge fans of the idea that a president could be... oh, I don’t know... financially entangled with whoever sent the gold-plated llama statue.
No cashmere thrones. No diamond nipple shields. No presidential man caves stuffed with gilded bidets and commemorative swords from countries that still stone people for sneezing near a mosque.
But Trump? He treats the Constitution like it’s the terms and conditions on a porn site: scroll fast, ignore everything, and keep clicking until the money shots lands in Mar-a-lago. (I apologize for that imagery.)
So it’s no surprise that Trump recently got handed a $400 million jet from Qatar—because apparently the Qataris looked at Trump’s last term and thought, “You know what this man needs? A sky-yacht. A Versailles with wings. A floating Hindenburg of narcissism.”
Now, the jet technically isn’t a gift—it’ll be retrofitted for use as Air Force One, which means you, the taxpayer, get to fund the installation of missile defense systems, secure comms, and probably a 24-hour ketchup-resistant cheeseburger buffet with walls that wipe clean after tantrums.
But before we crown Trump the Sultan of Skidmarks, let’s take a trip through the gloriously absurd annals of Presidential gifting gone wild.
1. The Portrait Rug That Launched a Thousand Nightmares
Recipient: Bill Clinton
Gifter: President of Azerbaijan
Gift: A woven rug featuring Bill and Hillary’s faces
Somewhere, in the shadowy diplomatic underworld where awkward gifts are born, a carpet-weaver in Baku was told, “Make a tapestry that says: ‘We respect America’s democratic values enough to walk on your face.”
It’s unclear what Clinton did with it, but if there’s any justice in this world, it’s hanging in Socks the cat’s personal panic room.
The Emoluments Clause requires that most gifts from foreign officials be handed over to the National Archives—but this one may have been deemed too unsettling for history. The Archives already house cannons, swords, and mummified rats, but even they probably drew the line at a Persian tapestry of Bill’s grinning mug.
But that wasn’t the big scandal. No, the real Clintonian chaos came in 2001 when they left the White House with $190,000 worth of "gifts"—sofas, chairs, lamps, and God knows what else.
Turns out many of these gifts were for the White House itself, not Bill and Hill’s Netflix-and-pantsuit lair. After some grumbly backlash, they returned $23,000 worth of furnishings and paid $86,000 for the rest—proof that even presidents sometimes have to haggle with the moving company of history.
2. Diamonds Are Forever… Unless You’re a U.S. President
Recipient: Patricia Nixon and her daughters
Gifter: The Saudi Royal Family
Gift: Millions in jewels—including diamond necklaces, ruby brooches, and a sapphire-studded tea set
In the mid-70s, it was discovered that the Nixon family had received a bling tsunami from the Saudis. Gold. Jewels. Trinkets that would make Liberace say, “Okay, calm down.”
The Saudi Royal Family wasn't even subtle. Their philosophy seemed to be: “Why bribe one politician when you can bedazzle his whole family?” Patricia Nixon and her daughters unwrapped what essentially amounted to a Bedouin Tiffany’s catalog, worth millions. Officially, these were “gifts to the United States.” Unofficially, they vanished faster than Nixon’s credibility post-Watergate.
Where did it all go? Unfortunately for Tricky Dick, these baubles hadn’t made their way to the National Archives as required. So, in 1974, a court ordered Nixon’s crates to be pried open and searched for missing state gifts. Somewhere, Geraldo Rivera wept with envy.
In total, over $2 million worth of goodies were seized—further proof that Nixon could resign, but he couldn’t stop hoarding.
3. Dragon Diplomacy
Recipient: George H.W. Bush
Gifter: President of Indonesia
Gift: A Komodo dragon
In 1990, George H.W. Bush was gifted a Komodo dragon by Indonesia. And for once, we all collectively said: Yeah, okay, that one’s kinda badass.
Imagine getting handed a prehistoric meat missile with skin like cracked lava and a tongue that flicks like it’s trying to detect fear. Indonesia called it a cultural gesture. Bush probably called it a lawsuit waiting to happen.
The Komodo, fittingly named Naga (translation: “Hell no”), was sent to the Cincinnati Zoo, where presumably it lived out its days in a habitat far from diplomatic ceremonies and presidential ankles.
Honestly? Best gift of the bunch. You can keep your rugs and golf clubs—Bush got a freakin’ murder lizard! That's alpha-level foreign policy. Personally, I think every world leader should get a pet dragon. It says, “I respect your sovereignty, but also I could feed you to this thing if I wanted.”
4. The Bugged Ball from Russia with Love
Recipient: Donald Trump
Gifter: Vladimir Putin
Gift: 2018 FIFA World Cup “Official Matchball”
The moment Putin handed Trump the ball at their 2018 Helsinki lovefest, even Lindsey Graham was like, “Bro. Check that thing for spyware.” Trump, naturally, ignored all warnings and gave it to his son, Barron—because if there's anything more secure than White House comms, it's a teenager's electronics.
A German hacker group said the only way it could bug Trump is if he installed malware himself. Which... well, it’s not like digital hygiene is this administration’s strong suit.
Not saying the ball was bugged, but if you cracked it open and found a tiny Putin whispering “Go long, comrade,” would anyone be shocked?
Either way, nothing says “we definitely didn’t hack your election” like gifting a soccer ball that possibly doubles as an NSA fever dream.
5. The Horror Portrait That Vanished
Recipient: Donald Trump
Gifter: President of El Salvador
Gift: A lifesize painting of Trump
This is not satire. El Salvador’s president gave Trump a full-body oil painting of himself sitting behind the Resolute Desk, looking like a cologne ad for “Autocracy: For Men.”
Oh, and a Bible rests on the desk, untouched—possibly exorcised. The artist was lauded for realism, but failed to include Trump’s trademark orange spray tan or the faint glow of brimstone.
The painting mysteriously disappeared from official records, possibly because someone at the National Archives screamed, “Nope!” and set it on fire.
You know what they say…nothing wins over Trump like Trump. But you know what they also say - there’s no free lunch. El Salvador later got a migrant detention deal, and Trump got a place to disappear brown people. It was the diplomatic equivalent of throwing raw meat into a tiger cage and backing away slowly.
Since gifts given to the president are considered gifts to the American People, on behalf of every sane American…please, please keep the painting. Or better yet, hang it in your next travel warning for authoritarianism.
6. The Puppy That Couldn’t Stay
Recipient: George W. Bush
Gifter: President of Bulgaria
Gift: A two-month-old shepherd puppy named “Balkan”
W’s gift game took a tragic turn in 2005 when Bulgaria offered him a two-month-old shepherd puppy named Balkan of Gorannadraganov (which incidentally is also my porn star name).
The Bushes, already proud parents to Scottish terriers Barney and Miss Beazley, reportedly fell for the pup but realized Balkan might melt like a chocolate lab in the Texas sun. So instead of shipping him to the National Archives (not great with pee pads), they bought him from the U.S. government (yes, that’s a thing), and regifted him to a friend on a Maryland farm.
That’s right: the President of the United States once said, “Sorry, we already have terriers” to a literal international puppy.
The Real Grift
Yes, the Saudis gave Trump a cheetah fur coat and an illegal ivory dagger. Yes, Trump gifted Barron a possibly bugged World Cup soccer ball like it was a Happy Meal toy. And yes, the Japanese Prime Minister gave Trump gold golf clubs that could feed a large village of starving USAID kids.
But the most extravagant gift of all? Trump’s full-body bear hug to foreign corruption.
While he was tweeting in all caps about “LAW & ORDER,” Trump quietly paused enforcement of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act—a law that has existed since 1977 to stop U.S. companies from bribing foreign officials. His reasoning? It created an “unfair playing field.” Translation: the other kids were cheating and getting better toys.
However, the jet and the tacky gifts aren’t the real story here. As always, it’s a shiny distraction.
Recently, Don Jr. and Eric Trump were greenlit for a $5.5 billion Trump International Golf Club in Qatar, a luxury hotel in Dubai, and a residential tower in Jeddah—all while the ink on that FCPA pause was still wet.
So just to be clear: under the current legal gymnastics, Trump can accept massive foreign deals while pausing anti-bribery laws. And thanks to the Supreme Court, he can’t be prosecuted for doing so. He’s not just bending the Constitution; he’s gold-plating it and leasing it back to himself.
It’s not just that the emoluments clause was ignored. It’s that the presidency itself became the emolument.
It’s a tale as old as time: promise to drain the swamp, then build a golf course on it.
Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. Subscribe to Conversations with Carlyn for free content every Wednesday, or become a paid subscriber to get the juicy stuff on Sundays.
That's a typo right? It should be -->> A Grim History of Presidential Grifting. I like the alliteration too. Too much?
Oh wait. I get it. That would make the conclusion bury the lede. I'll post this as a monument to my ignorance.
I need a pet dragon 🐉